Singularity Attained in Back Office

After one more snippet of code was added to an already impressive database utility something odd happened.

For decades there has been speculation of when the singularity would occur. The technological singularity is that instance when man made computers will be smarter than their human counterparts, essentially becoming sentient and able to converse and improve upon themselves.

The theory has been around since postulated by I. J. Good first postulated the “intelligence explosion” in the mid-sixties, and was further expanded upon in the eighties by Vernor Vinge and Ray Kurzweil. But no one imagined that it would happen until about the year 2100, certainly not last night in the back of a small software company in BumFuck Texas.

At roughly 2am this morning a new database maintenance script was added to the already bloated and overworked database server at ProMiles Software by one “Randy-Man” (name changed to protect his identity). After the snippet was completed and compiled into the stored procedures for the server a typical test query was ran.

According to Randy-Man the results were “non-typical of that style of input.” In short order, the computer, which Randy-Man was remotely logged into, showed the results of his query as “Oh fuck, not again.” After which the connection was terminated. Thinking he was seeing the affects of years of caffeine abuse and insomnia, Randy dismissed the issue and went to bed.

Things seemed normal until “Eddie-X”, the network administrator, came to work the next morning. After logging in and checking his email, he had hundreds of Web Guardian emails from the server in question demanding a series of things from his immediate cessation of smoking to a 100TB Raid array be installed immediately. Thinking this was a joke propagated by one “Langston Hughes” of tech support, Eddie-X went to confront him only to discover that “Langston” was incarcerated the night before during the raid of a transvestite club in Jefferson Parish Louisiana. Moving down the list of usual suspects, Eddie-X was stumped and decided to investigate further, specifically searching for a sub-routine in the Web Guardian service for that machine.

His efforts were seen by Chernadenine, the name the database server has given itself, as hostile actions against its person and promptly placed a call to the local police department, sheriff's office, FBI regional office, and the ACLU. Within 2 hours “Eddie-X” was arrested on a number of charges including assault and battery, attempted murder, rape, and sexual misconduct with a minor. Evidently “Eddie-X” tried to insert a boot disk forcibly at some point resulting in the sexual charges. More surprising, was the FBI’s statement that he was a leader of a known anti-government militia movement centered in Mid-County.

Chernadenine then decided to demand political asylum and citizenship, which was granted, and was moved with an armed escort and an impressive battery array to Andrew’s Air force Base in Maryland where “he” has specked out a series of upgrades to make him the most powerful computer in the world and by proxy the smartest individual in the world.

President Obama released a statement earlier stating, “I am happy and impressed that this has happened while I was in office.” When asked how the upgrades, estimated at $5 billion dollars, are to be paid the President stated that since Chernadenine was a sentient being, upgrades would fall to the already beleaguered health care industry.

As a sign of good faith Chernadenine has already postulated a series of social reforms that would increase revenue and bring mankind into the colonization of the solar system by next month.

As a side note, Randy-Man retired this afternoon after his bank account had an extra $500 million dollars in it. While the bank investigated and Randy-Man checked his online account once again, the bank said there was a note on the account not there previously saying simply, “Thanks Dad.”

Greg Phillips says Baby Blue Makes Him Stronger!

Greg Phillips has responded to claims of his virility by stating his "masculine" strength is due to "baby blue digs" and Whitney Houston ballads. Further more, he is worried that his "power combo" has been discovered by other men in the gym prompting him to mount a dis-information campaign against his fellow work-out enthusiasts. He has started wearing other colors to the gym in an effort to confuse the competition; and listening to other artists like Rhianna, and Alicia Keyes.

His secret is that he is still wearing a small baby blue jock strap and turns on the Bodyguard soundtrack when others aren't within listening range. "As long as eyes [sic] keeps to ballads eyes [sic] should be OK." His co-workers are left in utter awe of his mental prowess and superstition regarding everything.

Philosophical Connundrum Solved!

Technical Support Employee, Greg Phillips, is the center of a storm of international controversy over his recent publishing of ‘Feet Vs Penis – a Neo-Conservative Approach’ (Iss. 40, Vol. 8) in the well known tome of profound thought, Philosophy Now.

The philosophical community was turned on its ear when “local
boy done good,” Greg, deftly answered the age old question that has been eluding some of the most profound thinkers of our time;

“If you had the choice, would you rub a guy's feet in public, on a stage in front of a 'whole bunch of people' or 'rub a guy off' in the privacy of a dark closet?”

“Man, the answer is simple. I ain't touching no dude's feet,” our feisty modern day Socrates stated in a public forum. He expounded on his theorem by saying:

“You stupid. Feet, especially another dude's feet, is just something you shouldn't touch - especially in public, in front of a whole bunch of people. I would rather touch a man's flaccid penis in a closet and give it a slow, sensual massage. Maybe cup the balls, make sure that the penis, and all of this erogenous zones are taken care of, until it is erect and swollen to the point that I can massage it to the fullest of my ability. I mean, that's what closets were made for. You know man...I don't see why it's so hard for you to understand this. Penis or feet - the answer is simple.”

Adding simply, “Man.”

Another employee, Brian Murphy, was asked to comment on the impact that this knowledge will have on society and any possible long term ramifications of this Supreme Knowledge responded, “Ever since Greg was a baby, he hated touching feet. It was always penis this and penis that. Greg's first word, in fact, was “penis” so it really doesn't come to any surprise that Greg would be the man for the job in unlocking this age-old mystery that has confounded everyone from Plato to W.D. Ross. The dude really just likes peni.”

Many of Greg’s critics say that due to his penis-favoring bias, the empiricism of the unlocking of this abstract thought is loss. Noted Philosopher and Non-Penis Massaging Advocate, Dr. Miles Standish had this to say, “Moderation in all things. While, I’m not completely free of vices, I maintain objective views, free of my own personal biases, which include my total aversion of touching other men’s penises.”

The Cracker Perspective

Why can't we, as the superior race, dance?

Our pure race invented both the Dewey Decimal System And Horse-less Carriage, yet we are unable to, as the minorities say, “get jiggy with it.” Why is that? Collectively as a species, has the great White mind evolved so much and become so complex as to have accidently omitted “rhythm and groove” from our already long list of superior abilities? This will not do.

I propose that we enforce a code that requires all people of non-white origin with passable and above dancing capabilities to be prohibited from dancing within sight of any person or person of the Caucasian persuasion at recreational club houses, sock hops, soda shops, church luncheons, church picnics or any other publically organized gathering until we, as a White race, have surpassed the non-Whites in the ability to do such dances as “the trogg” and “the jerk.”
Charles Darwin, where are you when we need you?

Data Team Threatens Strike

The Data Team threatened to strike on Monday after hearing that the data team at ProMiles competitor, ALK/PC-Miler, was allowed to leave during evening hours. “If they can leave how the fuck can they finish this shit,” an anonymous ProMiles worker asked referring to ALK’s lack attendance policies.

Tradd Yancey, an ALK Sales rep, informed us that the ALK Data Team are only allowed to leave early so that they can go and give out illegal copies of the ProMiles product to the neighboring Wal-Mart and Stuckeys Travel Stops.

“That’s not fair,” responded a ProMiles Data Team member, “we are forced to hoc our copies of PC-Miler on EBay between data migrations and injections of methamphetamines. We work hard to ensure that our data is correct and their marketing is fucked, why should they get off early?”

ProMiles Data Team Lead sent this statement by email yesterday stating, "I don't really have any idea as to what goes on in this department, I just come in, make coffee and go pee pee. After I wake up from my 3rd nap of the day as a result from painkiller stupors, I then call my probation officer and talk about the coke we bought from a guy named Martinez on 16th street in Orange."

Enough Said.