Production Falters as Body Modification Takes Precedence

Always a progressive company, ProMiles Software’s latest effort to appeal to it’s employees has seemingly backfired. After growing complaints that Management was not doing their due diligence at making employees with body piercings, tattoos, and other forms of body art feel at home, a radical new rule was put into place. The jest was this, the Company would help pay for one single body modification. Unfortunately for Management, the decree has failed miserably and has spawned a series of investigations by the FDA and the Employment Commission.

Apparently Management had thought along the lines of the ProMiles logo tattooed upon a great many employee’s arms, their reasoning is still unknown to us as the ranks have closed. What they got instead was the largest run of free body mods of all types since the overtaking of a tattoo booth at Burning Man a few years back.

Several employees did go with the more traditional tattoo or naval piercing, but a few resolute individuals exploited a loophole in the decree to pay for sub-dermal ridges, Mohawks comprised of nails, and for some, breast augmentations, tummy-tucks and face-lifts.

“If <censored> can have a giant bone inserted into the back of the head that I have to stare at all day long, then why can’t I go from an A cup to an E?”, said one resolute female employee. 

“I don’t understand what all the fuss is about really,” says Troyce Peron, “my wife, and many other women, have labeled me a snake for years. Now I’m starting to look like one. Mr. Peron had a tongue bifurcation, contacts with slit irises, and steel balls inserted beneath his brow. “Now they know me for what I am on sight, it has actually helped me find willing women and men for extra-marital affairs.”

Whatever their reasons however, the run of changes is having “an adverse effect on general moral and productivity,” says one manager that wished to remain unnamed. “Every time I walk through the office it is like a hormonal overload, Troyce is a snake, Tommy’s facelift made him look like Wayne Newton, the ladies of the office are all following the dress code, but it’s hard to cover boobs that size on a small frame. I’m telling you one day I’m gonna witness a Genesis recreation in the damn break room! [sic]”

Thoughts are still unclear on how to go about correcting the issue, although the remaining unmodified employees are assembling into a protest group. Led by James Thompson, the heretofore unnamed group is dedicated to, “getting things back to the way things were before.” Continuing he had this to add, “If Management thinks that we will stand for this they are wrong! We will go to the Employment Commission, the Governor, where ever we have to in order to make sure this sort of thing is squashed.”

Modified employees have already contacted the ACLU to help them fight what is sure to be a long and arduous battle.

Singularity Attained in Back Office

After one more snippet of code was added to an already impressive database utility something odd happened.

For decades there has been speculation of when the singularity would occur. The technological singularity is that instance when man made computers will be smarter than their human counterparts, essentially becoming sentient and able to converse and improve upon themselves.

The theory has been around since postulated by I. J. Good first postulated the “intelligence explosion” in the mid-sixties, and was further expanded upon in the eighties by Vernor Vinge and Ray Kurzweil. But no one imagined that it would happen until about the year 2100, certainly not last night in the back of a small software company in BumFuck Texas.

At roughly 2am this morning a new database maintenance script was added to the already bloated and overworked database server at ProMiles Software by one “Randy-Man” (name changed to protect his identity). After the snippet was completed and compiled into the stored procedures for the server a typical test query was ran.

According to Randy-Man the results were “non-typical of that style of input.” In short order, the computer, which Randy-Man was remotely logged into, showed the results of his query as “Oh fuck, not again.” After which the connection was terminated. Thinking he was seeing the affects of years of caffeine abuse and insomnia, Randy dismissed the issue and went to bed.

Things seemed normal until “Eddie-X”, the network administrator, came to work the next morning. After logging in and checking his email, he had hundreds of Web Guardian emails from the server in question demanding a series of things from his immediate cessation of smoking to a 100TB Raid array be installed immediately. Thinking this was a joke propagated by one “Langston Hughes” of tech support, Eddie-X went to confront him only to discover that “Langston” was incarcerated the night before during the raid of a transvestite club in Jefferson Parish Louisiana. Moving down the list of usual suspects, Eddie-X was stumped and decided to investigate further, specifically searching for a sub-routine in the Web Guardian service for that machine.

His efforts were seen by Chernadenine, the name the database server has given itself, as hostile actions against its person and promptly placed a call to the local police department, sheriff's office, FBI regional office, and the ACLU. Within 2 hours “Eddie-X” was arrested on a number of charges including assault and battery, attempted murder, rape, and sexual misconduct with a minor. Evidently “Eddie-X” tried to insert a boot disk forcibly at some point resulting in the sexual charges. More surprising, was the FBI’s statement that he was a leader of a known anti-government militia movement centered in Mid-County.

Chernadenine then decided to demand political asylum and citizenship, which was granted, and was moved with an armed escort and an impressive battery array to Andrew’s Air force Base in Maryland where “he” has specked out a series of upgrades to make him the most powerful computer in the world and by proxy the smartest individual in the world.

President Obama released a statement earlier stating, “I am happy and impressed that this has happened while I was in office.” When asked how the upgrades, estimated at $5 billion dollars, are to be paid the President stated that since Chernadenine was a sentient being, upgrades would fall to the already beleaguered health care industry.

As a sign of good faith Chernadenine has already postulated a series of social reforms that would increase revenue and bring mankind into the colonization of the solar system by next month.

As a side note, Randy-Man retired this afternoon after his bank account had an extra $500 million dollars in it. While the bank investigated and Randy-Man checked his online account once again, the bank said there was a note on the account not there previously saying simply, “Thanks Dad.”