Production Falters as Body Modification Takes Precedence

Always a progressive company, ProMiles Software’s latest effort to appeal to it’s employees has seemingly backfired. After growing complaints that Management was not doing their due diligence at making employees with body piercings, tattoos, and other forms of body art feel at home, a radical new rule was put into place. The jest was this, the Company would help pay for one single body modification. Unfortunately for Management, the decree has failed miserably and has spawned a series of investigations by the FDA and the Employment Commission.

Apparently Management had thought along the lines of the ProMiles logo tattooed upon a great many employee’s arms, their reasoning is still unknown to us as the ranks have closed. What they got instead was the largest run of free body mods of all types since the overtaking of a tattoo booth at Burning Man a few years back.

Several employees did go with the more traditional tattoo or naval piercing, but a few resolute individuals exploited a loophole in the decree to pay for sub-dermal ridges, Mohawks comprised of nails, and for some, breast augmentations, tummy-tucks and face-lifts.

“If <censored> can have a giant bone inserted into the back of the head that I have to stare at all day long, then why can’t I go from an A cup to an E?”, said one resolute female employee. 

“I don’t understand what all the fuss is about really,” says Troyce Peron, “my wife, and many other women, have labeled me a snake for years. Now I’m starting to look like one. Mr. Peron had a tongue bifurcation, contacts with slit irises, and steel balls inserted beneath his brow. “Now they know me for what I am on sight, it has actually helped me find willing women and men for extra-marital affairs.”

Whatever their reasons however, the run of changes is having “an adverse effect on general moral and productivity,” says one manager that wished to remain unnamed. “Every time I walk through the office it is like a hormonal overload, Troyce is a snake, Tommy’s facelift made him look like Wayne Newton, the ladies of the office are all following the dress code, but it’s hard to cover boobs that size on a small frame. I’m telling you one day I’m gonna witness a Genesis recreation in the damn break room! [sic]”

Thoughts are still unclear on how to go about correcting the issue, although the remaining unmodified employees are assembling into a protest group. Led by James Thompson, the heretofore unnamed group is dedicated to, “getting things back to the way things were before.” Continuing he had this to add, “If Management thinks that we will stand for this they are wrong! We will go to the Employment Commission, the Governor, where ever we have to in order to make sure this sort of thing is squashed.”

Modified employees have already contacted the ACLU to help them fight what is sure to be a long and arduous battle.