Production Falters as Body Modification Takes Precedence

Always a progressive company, ProMiles Software’s latest effort to appeal to it’s employees has seemingly backfired. After growing complaints that Management was not doing their due diligence at making employees with body piercings, tattoos, and other forms of body art feel at home, a radical new rule was put into place. The jest was this, the Company would help pay for one single body modification. Unfortunately for Management, the decree has failed miserably and has spawned a series of investigations by the FDA and the Employment Commission.

Apparently Management had thought along the lines of the ProMiles logo tattooed upon a great many employee’s arms, their reasoning is still unknown to us as the ranks have closed. What they got instead was the largest run of free body mods of all types since the overtaking of a tattoo booth at Burning Man a few years back.

Several employees did go with the more traditional tattoo or naval piercing, but a few resolute individuals exploited a loophole in the decree to pay for sub-dermal ridges, Mohawks comprised of nails, and for some, breast augmentations, tummy-tucks and face-lifts.

“If <censored> can have a giant bone inserted into the back of the head that I have to stare at all day long, then why can’t I go from an A cup to an E?”, said one resolute female employee. 

“I don’t understand what all the fuss is about really,” says Troyce Peron, “my wife, and many other women, have labeled me a snake for years. Now I’m starting to look like one. Mr. Peron had a tongue bifurcation, contacts with slit irises, and steel balls inserted beneath his brow. “Now they know me for what I am on sight, it has actually helped me find willing women and men for extra-marital affairs.”

Whatever their reasons however, the run of changes is having “an adverse effect on general moral and productivity,” says one manager that wished to remain unnamed. “Every time I walk through the office it is like a hormonal overload, Troyce is a snake, Tommy’s facelift made him look like Wayne Newton, the ladies of the office are all following the dress code, but it’s hard to cover boobs that size on a small frame. I’m telling you one day I’m gonna witness a Genesis recreation in the damn break room! [sic]”

Thoughts are still unclear on how to go about correcting the issue, although the remaining unmodified employees are assembling into a protest group. Led by James Thompson, the heretofore unnamed group is dedicated to, “getting things back to the way things were before.” Continuing he had this to add, “If Management thinks that we will stand for this they are wrong! We will go to the Employment Commission, the Governor, where ever we have to in order to make sure this sort of thing is squashed.”

Modified employees have already contacted the ACLU to help them fight what is sure to be a long and arduous battle.

Philosophical Connundrum Solved!

Technical Support Employee, Greg Phillips, is the center of a storm of international controversy over his recent publishing of ‘Feet Vs Penis – a Neo-Conservative Approach’ (Iss. 40, Vol. 8) in the well known tome of profound thought, Philosophy Now.

The philosophical community was turned on its ear when “local
boy done good,” Greg, deftly answered the age old question that has been eluding some of the most profound thinkers of our time;

“If you had the choice, would you rub a guy's feet in public, on a stage in front of a 'whole bunch of people' or 'rub a guy off' in the privacy of a dark closet?”

“Man, the answer is simple. I ain't touching no dude's feet,” our feisty modern day Socrates stated in a public forum. He expounded on his theorem by saying:

“You stupid. Feet, especially another dude's feet, is just something you shouldn't touch - especially in public, in front of a whole bunch of people. I would rather touch a man's flaccid penis in a closet and give it a slow, sensual massage. Maybe cup the balls, make sure that the penis, and all of this erogenous zones are taken care of, until it is erect and swollen to the point that I can massage it to the fullest of my ability. I mean, that's what closets were made for. You know man...I don't see why it's so hard for you to understand this. Penis or feet - the answer is simple.”

Adding simply, “Man.”

Another employee, Brian Murphy, was asked to comment on the impact that this knowledge will have on society and any possible long term ramifications of this Supreme Knowledge responded, “Ever since Greg was a baby, he hated touching feet. It was always penis this and penis that. Greg's first word, in fact, was “penis” so it really doesn't come to any surprise that Greg would be the man for the job in unlocking this age-old mystery that has confounded everyone from Plato to W.D. Ross. The dude really just likes peni.”

Many of Greg’s critics say that due to his penis-favoring bias, the empiricism of the unlocking of this abstract thought is loss. Noted Philosopher and Non-Penis Massaging Advocate, Dr. Miles Standish had this to say, “Moderation in all things. While, I’m not completely free of vices, I maintain objective views, free of my own personal biases, which include my total aversion of touching other men’s penises.”