Philosophical Connundrum Solved!

Technical Support Employee, Greg Phillips, is the center of a storm of international controversy over his recent publishing of ‘Feet Vs Penis – a Neo-Conservative Approach’ (Iss. 40, Vol. 8) in the well known tome of profound thought, Philosophy Now.

The philosophical community was turned on its ear when “local
boy done good,” Greg, deftly answered the age old question that has been eluding some of the most profound thinkers of our time;

“If you had the choice, would you rub a guy's feet in public, on a stage in front of a 'whole bunch of people' or 'rub a guy off' in the privacy of a dark closet?”

“Man, the answer is simple. I ain't touching no dude's feet,” our feisty modern day Socrates stated in a public forum. He expounded on his theorem by saying:

“You stupid. Feet, especially another dude's feet, is just something you shouldn't touch - especially in public, in front of a whole bunch of people. I would rather touch a man's flaccid penis in a closet and give it a slow, sensual massage. Maybe cup the balls, make sure that the penis, and all of this erogenous zones are taken care of, until it is erect and swollen to the point that I can massage it to the fullest of my ability. I mean, that's what closets were made for. You know man...I don't see why it's so hard for you to understand this. Penis or feet - the answer is simple.”

Adding simply, “Man.”

Another employee, Brian Murphy, was asked to comment on the impact that this knowledge will have on society and any possible long term ramifications of this Supreme Knowledge responded, “Ever since Greg was a baby, he hated touching feet. It was always penis this and penis that. Greg's first word, in fact, was “penis” so it really doesn't come to any surprise that Greg would be the man for the job in unlocking this age-old mystery that has confounded everyone from Plato to W.D. Ross. The dude really just likes peni.”

Many of Greg’s critics say that due to his penis-favoring bias, the empiricism of the unlocking of this abstract thought is loss. Noted Philosopher and Non-Penis Massaging Advocate, Dr. Miles Standish had this to say, “Moderation in all things. While, I’m not completely free of vices, I maintain objective views, free of my own personal biases, which include my total aversion of touching other men’s penises.”

The Cracker Perspective

Why can't we, as the superior race, dance?

Our pure race invented both the Dewey Decimal System And Horse-less Carriage, yet we are unable to, as the minorities say, “get jiggy with it.” Why is that? Collectively as a species, has the great White mind evolved so much and become so complex as to have accidently omitted “rhythm and groove” from our already long list of superior abilities? This will not do.

I propose that we enforce a code that requires all people of non-white origin with passable and above dancing capabilities to be prohibited from dancing within sight of any person or person of the Caucasian persuasion at recreational club houses, sock hops, soda shops, church luncheons, church picnics or any other publically organized gathering until we, as a White race, have surpassed the non-Whites in the ability to do such dances as “the trogg” and “the jerk.”
Charles Darwin, where are you when we need you?

Data Team Threatens Strike

The Data Team threatened to strike on Monday after hearing that the data team at ProMiles competitor, ALK/PC-Miler, was allowed to leave during evening hours. “If they can leave how the fuck can they finish this shit,” an anonymous ProMiles worker asked referring to ALK’s lack attendance policies.

Tradd Yancey, an ALK Sales rep, informed us that the ALK Data Team are only allowed to leave early so that they can go and give out illegal copies of the ProMiles product to the neighboring Wal-Mart and Stuckeys Travel Stops.

“That’s not fair,” responded a ProMiles Data Team member, “we are forced to hoc our copies of PC-Miler on EBay between data migrations and injections of methamphetamines. We work hard to ensure that our data is correct and their marketing is fucked, why should they get off early?”

ProMiles Data Team Lead sent this statement by email yesterday stating, "I don't really have any idea as to what goes on in this department, I just come in, make coffee and go pee pee. After I wake up from my 3rd nap of the day as a result from painkiller stupors, I then call my probation officer and talk about the coke we bought from a guy named Martinez on 16th street in Orange."

Enough Said.